Jul 27, 2014

Speaker Shoes and Stabbin' Eggs

I know I've posted these somewhere before, but it's worth repeating.  A few favorites from a journal I kept when my kids were little.

When I grow up, I'll be a man..Mom, when you grow up you'll be a grandma.
It's hard to save up money 'cause it's fun to spend it to buy stuff.

If you smoke it makes you dead, but if somebody kills you it makes you
dead faster.

I want to eat my apple off the cob.

My wife and I is gonna have six babies.. Mom, you can have three of them.

Water is good, it tastes like spit.

I want to marry Grandma so I can be Daddy's daddy.

Love feels like "warm".

This onion is 6 years old - I counted the rings.

Breasts aren't on people, they're on chickens.

Inside my skull is a brain and inside my brain is letters and stuff..

My drinking stomach and eating stomach are full, but I still have room
in my dessert stomach.

I'm not allergic to the cat, if that means we have to get rid of it.

I like the way chickens' knees bend backwards.

Mom, if you find any money hangin' around on the ground, in cash, put
it in my bank.

Did you know we're always losing our skin?  So when you vacuum, there
are piles of skin everywhere.

I got a new box of crayons..It has red, blue, green, black, and skin.

The cat must be magical because he can reach his head all the way back
to his butt.

When you go on field trips, you always have to hold hands with the
ugliest girl in the class.

Did you know there's a center for missing and exploded children?

Salami has little eyeballs in it.

Are people made of light meat and dark meat?

A mutt is a ton of dogs mixed together.

Women have 'aviaries' in their stomach to make eggs

You can really MAKE noodles?  I thought they just picked them off trees.

I can't go back to sleep once I take the boogers outta my eyes.

It's better to receive than give...unless it's somethin' you don't like no more.

Why do all old men look like turtles?

I think "diorama" is the funniest word in the world - because it's
almost like "diarrhea"

That would be cool if a bald person got dandruff.. it would all come
off in one piece.

I don't wanna pay a sewage bill when I grow up.  I just wanna take a
dump in the yard to save money.

I am a man, 'cause I have hairy legs.

Fish sticks are made outta live fishes...but they're dead now.

Do bugs cough?

How to make pickles:  They grind up apples and mush them up.  Then
flatten them and make them smooth...Then they are green pickles.

When is it gonna be tomorrow?  Is it tomorrow today?  Today is
tomorrow from yesterday.

If I close my mouth I can think.

I have two grandmas...but one's an uncle.

Is Campbell's soup made from camels?

I don't want to eat the part of the chicken that lays eggs.

Snowmen can't play, 'cause they would get sweaty and melt.

We can buy a house if we don't eat dinners or buy stuff.

You can get lots of money if you buy lots of things all the time,
'cause they give you change.

If you eat a chicken heart then you have two hearts, but one's in your stomach.

If you were a skeleton and you ate something it would just fall right out.

Do deers eat round things, 'cause round things come out?

Your skin doesn't do anything except hold your blood in and your
bones, and your brain does everything else.

When the cat closes his eyes, he looks Chinese.

What does the president do, anyway?  Just sit around and write on papers?

Pineapples come from Hawaii pine trees.

A snake can't bite you if you step on its head.

Spaghetti is a whole bunch of rice stuck together.

This is a chicken breast, 'cause I think I got the nipple...it's chewy.

"Gay" means happy....or when a boy loves a boy.

Credit cards are infinite money.

That Queen (of England) is too old.  Why don't they fire her after 4
years like we do the President?

Our nation's capital is not a state, and not IN a state...it's just
floatin' around.

"Pops"...is that a kinda music, or a bunch of dads?

If Jesus had a kid, then God would be it's grandpa.

I just don't understand girls.  They just don't make sense...

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